Yesterday, I could have totally stayed in the bed all day long and wallowed in my self pity. Life has been so hard for me (and poor BR who has to put up with me) lately and I have just become so frustrated with Him [God] sometimes. I wonder why He chose me to go through such a difficult time in getting pregnant; and why he took the first pregnancy away from us. No, I didn't stay in bed. I went to work on the dreary, RAINY Monday. I don't know why it was yesterday that I felt so angry, so disappointed, discouraged, frustrated, jealous, etc., etc. [I could really go on and on but I will spare you the drama]. I would think "WHY, God, WHY ME?!"
I read several things yesterday from blogs that I follow. One from Joyce Meyer (www.joycemeyer.org)who I read everyday as part of my "Promises for your Everyday Life" daily Bible Plan on YouVersion (www.bible.com). The part of this particular message that really got my attention was the following:
"If it sometimes seems that you're not making any progress, it's because the Lord is untying your knots one at a time. Let His patience develop in you, and sooner or later, you will see victory in your life and experience the freedom you have wanted for so long."
WOW. Thank you, Lord for working through the writings of Joyce Meyer. I guess I wasn't aware of the number of knots that may need to be untied before You think that we [I] am ready for a child. It's hard to understand, but this makes things a little more bearable!
No, God didn't stop there; He took things to a whole new level. Following my "Daily Bible Plan" email was my "Proverbs 31 Ministries" email. This blog entry, written by Nicki Koziarz, "Habits of a Woman Who Doesn't Give Up" (Read it here) really inspired me to want to keep going in this journey. God is telling me NOT TO GIVE UP! He's working at untying my knots!
The power verse they gave..."Whatever your hand finds to do, do it with all your might..." Ecclesiastes 9:10 (NIV)
My confidence is beginning to grow, yet, for some reason I still feel an anxiety within me that will not go away! I went on through the rest of the day feeling BLEH, even after reading my Bible Study by Jennifer Beckham (More information here) "Get Over Yourself," I was totally not getting over myself! I was STILL an emotional wreck; right down to having a break-down, tears and all, last night. I am such a lucky girl to have such an amazing, supportive husband who lets me cry (more like sob) on his shoulder even though he's going through the same thing!
It was not until today that God spoke to me and reminded me how well I was doing in letting him take the time to untie all of the knots in my life.
No, I do not believe that it was a coincidence that my "Proverbs 31 Ministries" email was titled "Lord, I Need Your Help" by Renee Swope (Read it here) and spoke to me about crying out to God for help in times of need. It spoke to me about how I sometimes snap at BR for no reason; how I am so angry at things that are in my past (miscarriage) and take it out on others such as my husband. The verse given was:
"In my distress I called to the LORD; I cried to my God for help." (Psalm 18:6 NIV)
And as if it wasn't enough that God was telling me that he is hearing me, He proved to me that my strength during this time was an encouragement to others. HE PROVED to me that HE is WORKING THROUGH me, FOR me and IN me! I could not be more thankful, today, for the people that he has placed into my life during this time and for the struggles that He's put me through only to "make me more useful for later roles in His unfolding story."
I will end with yesterday's "Prayer of the Day" from The Unveiled Wife:
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