Here is today's "Prayer of the Day- In Need Of God" from the Unveiled Wife:

 God, thank you for today! I pray that you strip away our insecurities. Fill us with your Holy Spirit and guide us. We are in need of you!

The timing of these daily emails is amazing. Almost every time I need to pray for our marriage and what we're going through in trying to conceive, I get the perfect prayer starter from the Unveiled Wife. 

Today's prayer really hit home. We have learned some information about our IVF cycle that has us unsure of what to even think. We are confused and times are completely uncertain. During my monitoring ultrasound yesterday (yes, Sunday) we spoke with a Dr. about options. Options outside of IVF! Our minds were blown at the news that we may not actually be able to follow through with this long-awaited procedure. 

Here's what's happening: 

Typically, when a woman is receiving treatment for an IVF cycle, their injections to stimulate follicle growth should produce at least a handful ( @ least 5 or more from what I understand) of follicles. How many follicles have I produced of "a measurable size?" THREE!  Our hearts are broken. The 3 follicles that I have been stimulating with injections for the last 10 days don't even measure to the desired size as of day 10.  The follicles need to at least measure up to 13mm in diameter to be considered "viable" for this procedure. (I will interject here that in the past, my follicles grew to the correct size, it just took FOREVER! Seriously, like 13-15 days). My largest follicle this time,  measured at a little more than 9.  The DR who did my ultrasound yesterday was very nice and very diplomatic in how he explained himself. He mentioned that we might want to consider a down-grade to an IUI since there are only 3 follicles and it would be the "perfect amount" for the IUI procedure.  At this point, I am second-guessing my entire decision for IVF. I am second-guessing as to why we dropped more than $4,400 in meds and I am second-guessing the payment for the IVF procedure of $4,500 (which if we do the plan B option, we will at least receive a refund for).  My faith is wavering and I am beginning to second-guess EVERYTHING. The DR had me to get my blood drawn to check my estrogen levels (as with every appointment--at this point, the estrogen level should start doubling).

Once we left the DR office to head to church, I broke down! I fought the tears through the rest of the visit in the office and tried to keep my strength and composure. My confidence was GONE. And those of you who wonder, my confidence is still gone...
I began to question why we had to be the ones to go through such a difficult time conceiving. Why did God choose us for this journey? Our faith is constantly challenged! I just feel like it gets harder and harder to understand why God is putting us through this. Yes, I know it's for a reason and for the best for both of us but WHY???  

I really needed the time at church to sing and to praise God and while doing so, ask him what he has in his plans for us. I am in constant prayer for at least one child.  

Around noon, the DR called us back to let me know (and seeming surprised) that my estrogen level was at 350-something and that it had doubled since Friday's visit. This was surprising to me too!! He directed me to begin my next injection. The injection that prevents my body from ovulating on it's own before the procedure. (Funny, right? My body actually ovulating on it's own is a miracle in itself!)

Needless to say, this weekend ended in a very insecure and emotional high. This week is going to be very EMOTIONAL.  I go tomorrow for another ultrasound/ follicle measurement as well as the news as to whether or not we will be proceeding with this plan or going to "Plan B- IUI."

I humbly ask for your thoughts and prayers. I ask that God wraps his arms around us at such an insecure and emotionally, physically (and financially) draining time.  One of my biggest pet peeves is to not know what's going on. I am a PLANNER and this is NOT part of my "plan."

Thank you, ahead of time, for any prayers.

Waiting for Mother Nature....Let the 1st IVF Cycle Begin!

Our box of meds was delivered last week...aka our box of GOLD!! This thing weighed 8lbs!!!!! I have to say that this break over the holidays has been nice. We have had time to enjoy life and each other without the stress of when to take meds, etc. Not to mention, the break gave us time to save up more money for our first IVF cycle. Now that the main waiting game (holiday break) is over- I'm only waiting for good ol' "Aunt Flo" to make her appearance. From there- the process begins!! I will go into detail on the exact process when I am more familiar (after I talk with our nurse). For now, here's a little look into our fridge and box of gold.:)

Update: "May the Odds Be Ever in Your Favor!"

You're probably asking why this post is quoting The Hunger Games, I know. Well, we kind of feel like this journey is our version of The Hunger Games. (and we just saw Catching Fire this weekend so it all fits nicely with the IVF process). ;)

Anyway....a couple of weeks ago, we met with our fertility Dr. to go over the next steps involved with starting the IVF process. This was a very nerve-wrecking appointment for me. I was so nervous about moving on beyond shots and pills, timed intercourse and IUDs to actually having my eggs REMOVED from my body to be fertilized. 

To make a long story short, I was to wait until my period started this month to call and schedule both my 3D sonogram (to check the tubes, ovaries, etc.) and our IVF Nurse appointment which is really, technically, a 3 hour class with 2 other couples signing consent forms, learning how to do our injections and getting blood-work done.Well, I made those appointments today...for NEXT WEEK! AGGGGH! This is FOR REAL! We are getting the ball rolling on IVF!! WHOA! 

So, until we meet again, so long and have a HAPPY THANKSGIVING! I sure am so thankful for such a supportive husband and family, GREAT insurance and WONDERFUL doctors!! Thank you for your hand in guiding us down this path, Lord!!

Putting Things into Perspective

Life has really been put into perspective for me lately. Earlier this week, we got some bad news about our oldest "fur-baby," Champ. He had a vet appointment for his Rabies shot and to have what seemed to be a cyst on his front left leg. The larger-than a golf ball-sized cyst turned out to be a malignant tumor; in other words, CANCER. 

CANCER is NOT a friend of mine but has been a frequent heart-breaker in our lives recently.  Within the past year and a half, we lost my Granny to the nasty C-word, I had 3 friends diagnosed, two of which lost their battle and the third is in remission. 

There are a lot of things in life that I don't understand such as why it's taking us so long to get pregnant or why we have to wait for what our hearts desire or why people even get sick with diseases such as cancer. I may not care to understand everything but what I really would love to understand is why God takes such wonderful people from us so early. I know that all things come within his timing but the hurt is just so much to bear.

With all of that being said, finding out that OUR DOG had cancer and the only options were to operate (with an extremely high chance of the tumor growing right back) or to amputate. Champ is 11-years old. He's at the end of what the vet says is his life-span of 11-13 years. The operation must happen ASAP before the tumor becomes inoperable since it's in a place where there's little skin to work with for repair.  We had to decide whether or not to make the financial commitment of an operation on Champ's leg. The operation is no guarantee that the cancer will be completely removed and could come back within weeks after the surgery. This was a hard decision for us to make financially since we've been planning on moving into the journey of IVF. 

We decided that it would not be fair to give-up on Champ and that he would have the operation to remove the tumor. It is so hard to see him in so much pain to walk. Even if it meant that he was pain-free for a short amount of time and the tumor returned, we felt comfortable in knowing that there's a [small] chance that it may not return. With this decision, we've decided that we would meet with our fertility specialist next week to discuss the beginning of IVF but will not actually begin the process until early next year [2014].

Honestly, the break from trying to get pregnant comes as a sigh of relief to me. I can focus on BR and the animals as well as my school-work for these next couple of months. I strongly believe that this is God telling me that he's in control and that ALL things happen on his clock. 

Of course, when all things seem to be in disarray, I was reminded of my belief that our lives are controlled by God's timing this morning with my Daily Devotional.  Here's what it said: 

God Causes Things to Happen at the Right Time
Are you waiting for the desires of your heart to begin to manifest? Are you praying for bondages to fall off of you so you can see your dreams come to pass? Are you waiting and praying for the salvation of friends and family? Are you trusting God for prosperity, favor, promotion, honor, and all the blessings found in His Word?
Are you tired of waiting for harvest time in your life? Are you frustrated, crying out, "When, God, when?" Then you need to understand that God's timing is often a mystery. He doesn't do things on our timetable. Yet His Word promises that He will not be late, not one single day.
God causes things to happen at exactly the right time! Your job is not to figure out when, but to make up your mind that you won't give up until you cross the finish line and are living in the radical, outrageous blessings of God! The more you trust Jesus and keep your eyes focused on Him, the more life you'll have. Trusting God brings life. Believing brings rest. So stop trying to figure everything out, and let God be God in your life.
Prayer Starter: God, I know that Your timing is perfect, even when I grow tired of waiting. Help me to trust in You and rest in Your plan for me. 


"For the revelation awaits an appointed time; it speaks of the end and will not prove false. Though it linger, wait for it; it will certainly come and will not delay." ~Habakkuk 2:3

A Little Inspiration...

As you know, by now, I do a daily Bible Plan by Joyce Meyer. Today's devotional talked about "Enduring like Jesus."  If anyone needs inspiration in the endurance department, that would be ME or anyone that's going through a similar struggle with infertility. This devotional was so great for me today that I decided to share it with you. 

Enduring Like Jesus
There are usually two sides to everything. The cross has two: a crucifixion side and a resurrection side. Jesus had to endure one side to get to the other. But if He hadn't endured, then we'd all still be left without a Savior and no forgiveness of our sins.
Hebrews 12:2 says that Jesus, for the joy of obtaining the prize on the other side of the cross, the resurrection, endured the pain. Like Jesus, we have to endure bad things. To endure means to outlast the devil; to be steadfast long enough to let the trial do whatever it's going to do in our lives and get from one side of the cross to the other.
Whether we're hit by an unexpected circumstance, suffering for doing something wrong or for resisting temptation and sin by doing what's right, we have to go through things. But waiting for you on the other side of the hard times is the joy of obtaining the prize, the good result.
Today, be encouraged by the way Jesus handled trials. He knew the joy that was before Him and persevered until the end. He's given you the power to do the same.
Prayer Starter: God, I want to endure like Jesus. Help me to get a vision for the joy of obtaining the prize that awaits me so that I can endure whatever trial comes my way. 

Hebrews 12:2
 2 fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.
What a great reminder!! Jesus had to endure the cross so that you and I could live without the worry of sin! We are FORGIVEN of our sin on a DAILY basis!! What an awesome gift.  Just like you, I have to remind myself everyday that I should have FAITH in Jesus and what his awesome powers hold.

When the "Rendezvous" Just Ain't for You...(or Me)

I hate to say it but it looks like the "Rendezvous" didn't work out so well for us. It looks like we'll be traveling on to the next adventure; IVF (In Vitro Fertilization)! 

IVF....Never in a million years would I have thought that I would be the one to need IVF.  To me, the whole thing always sounded so scientific and complicated. Well, friends, it pretty much is just that! I can't help but be extremely nervous about the whole thing but I know that Brian is here to support me and to be by my side as well as God, who is here with me even when I don't think he is [sometimes]. 

Unfortunately, the earliest appointment that was available for us to meet for a follow-up conversation with Dr. P wasn't until November 7th. BUMMER!!  I will give an update on the process when we know for sure exactly the plan of action Dr. P will give us.

So, without wasting any "precious" time, I am going to do a little self-treatment while we are in our holding pattern for the IVF plan of action. Self- treatment, you say?? YES. I have gathered some extra Clomid that I had at home and will be taking that during this month just for "fun." Haha..."just for fun" is really a weird way to put it. This whole process has been anything but fun.

Fun is when we used to believe that we would miraculously end up getting pregnant. Fun is when we could just live carelessly without the heartache of a miscarriage and the reminders of not having our own children when our friends and people around us were shoving babies into our faces. FUN was not knowing that I would struggle with infertility.

I know that I am very fortunate to be able to have the resources available to me for this type of treatment and an insurance policy that pays a large amount of what it costs. I am constantly reminded about how fortunate I am to have such a wonderful, loving and supportive husband who gives himself to me selflessly. And I KNOW that I have an AMAZING GOD who is carrying us through such difficult times. 

I am reminded daily by God in some way or another about how to keep my faith in Him; even when it's the least I can do. 

Today, I am reminded by God to keep my head up and my faith strong through KLOVE's Encouraging Word of the day: "Yes, I am the vine; you are the branches. Those who remain in me, and I in them, will produce much fruit. For apart from me you can do nothing" John 15:5 NLT

"Emotional Roller-Coaster"

Boy, have I been riding the "emotional roller-coaster" lately. I know I could probably, legitimately, blame it on the amount of hormones circulating through my veins from this treatment; but I will give the credit to the Man Upstairs. God.

Yesterday, I could have totally stayed in the bed all day long and wallowed in my self pity. Life has been so hard for me (and poor BR who has to put up with me) lately and I have just become so frustrated with Him [God] sometimes. I wonder why He chose me to go through such a difficult time in getting pregnant; and why he took the first pregnancy away from us. No, I didn't stay in bed. I went to work on the dreary, RAINY Monday. I don't know why it was yesterday that I felt so angry, so disappointed, discouraged, frustrated, jealous, etc., etc. [I could really go on and on but I will spare you the drama]. I would think "WHY, God, WHY ME?!" 

I read several things yesterday from blogs that I follow. One from Joyce Meyer (www.joycemeyer.org)who I read everyday as part of my "Promises for your Everyday Life" daily Bible Plan on YouVersion (www.bible.com). The part of this particular message that really got my attention was the following:

"If it sometimes seems that you're not making any progress, it's because the Lord is untying your knots one at a time. Let His patience develop in you, and sooner or later, you will see victory in your life and experience the freedom you have wanted for so long."


WOW. Thank you, Lord for working through the writings of Joyce Meyer. I guess I wasn't aware of the number of knots that may need to be untied before You think that we [I] am ready for a child. It's hard to understand, but this makes things a little more bearable! 

No, God didn't stop there; He took things to a whole new level. Following my "Daily Bible Plan" email was my "Proverbs 31 Ministries" email. This blog entry, written by Nicki Koziarz, "Habits of a Woman Who Doesn't Give Up" (Read it here)  really inspired me to want to keep going in this journey. God is telling me NOT TO GIVE UP! He's working at untying my knots! 


The power verse they gave..."Whatever your hand finds to do, do it with all your might..." Ecclesiastes 9:10 (NIV)

My confidence is beginning to grow, yet, for some reason I still feel an anxiety within me that will not go away! I went on through the rest of the day feeling BLEH, even after reading my Bible Study by Jennifer Beckham (More information here) "Get Over Yourself," I was totally not getting over myself! I was STILL an emotional wreck; right down to having a break-down, tears and all, last night. I am such a lucky girl to have such an amazing, supportive husband who lets me cry (more like sob) on his shoulder even though he's going through the same thing! 

It was not until today that God spoke to me and reminded me how well I was doing in letting him take the time to untie all of the knots in my life. 

No, I do not believe that it was a coincidence that my "Proverbs 31 Ministries" email was titled "Lord, I Need Your Help" by Renee Swope (Read it here) and spoke to me about crying out to God for help in times of need. It spoke to me about how I sometimes snap at BR for no reason; how I am so angry at things that are in my past (miscarriage) and take it out on others such as my husband.  The verse given was:

"In my distress I called to the LORD; I cried to my God for help." (Psalm 18:6 NIV)

And as if it wasn't enough that God was telling me that he is hearing me, He proved to me that my strength during this time was an encouragement to others. HE PROVED to me that HE is WORKING THROUGH me, FOR me and IN me! I could not be more thankful, today, for the people that he has placed into my life during this time and for the struggles that He's put me through only to "make me more useful for later roles in His unfolding story."

I will end with yesterday's "Prayer of the Day" from The Unveiled Wife: 

A Solid Plan: "The Fertility Rendezvous"

Our plan, now, is to do start the path toward IVF (In-Vetro Fertilization). The whole process will begin after we try this same treatment [if it doesn't work] one last time (I am only allowed 2 rounds). 

This time, we're doing it with the option of IUI instead of timed intercourse.  The process is the same at the beginning of the cycle with the pills, the shots and the routine ultrasounds followed by the Ovidrel shot. What's different is that we get to do what I like to call "The Fertility Rendezvous."

One of my strengths throughout this process has been to keep a sense of humor. I have learned that fertility treatment is such an awesome resource that I have been blessed to have available to me; however, things just get down-right awkward with the number of nurses and residents and who all else works at this facility who see what used to be what I considered to be my "private" areas.

The "Fertility Rendezvous" is my risque-sounding name for the process of getting an IUI (Intrauterine Insemination). Once I have taken my Ovidrel shot, I then have an appointment at the 36 hour mark. For example, I took my shot at 9:30PM on Tuesday night and have a scheduled appointment on Thursday morning at 9:30AM. BR has his appointment at the same facility an hour and a half earlier (8AM).  When he arrives at the office, he will be given instructions on providing a "specimen" or a cup of sperm. Yes, this is where it gets really awkward; sending my husband into a room of "visually stimulating" materials to be able to provide a "specimen" in a cup that he puts in a paper bag and passes through a window in the wall to a lab located on the other side. AWKWARD. 

Once the "specimen" has been provided, the lab then spends the hour between our appointments to "wash" the sperm. I don't know exactly what is involved in this process (not sure that I want to know) but they basically get the sperm down to it's most concentrated (and strongest "swimmers") state.

When I come in at 9:30AM for my appointment, I will go into a room that would be the same as if I were to be going for my annual pap-smear. The nurse/doctor will then follow the same procedure as the pap then with a tiny catheter inserted past my cervix, with a syringe, inject the sperm into my uterus. I lay there for at least 15 minutes "resting" and letting the little guys swim up to meet my "nicely developed" eggs that the Ovidrel has forced to come out of my ovaries. SIMPLE, right?? 

My faith has resembled a roller-coaster these days. One day I may be so excited and positive that this round of treatment is going to be THE ROUND that gets us pregnant. Other days, I may be in tears with the feeling of no hope of ever having the experience of pregnancy and delivering a child from my own womb. Through it all, my wonderful husband has been my ROCK, my shoulder to cry on and my hand to hold. He's going through the same thing but has always made it seem like everything is going to be alright. 

Praise be to God! I have found the most wonderful picture recently that says it all: "I have cast my anchor in the port of peace, knowing that present and future are in NAIL-PIERCED HANDS."

WOW. Yes! My faith is in the Lord and it shall not be swayed! Like the song sung by Josh Wilson that says "Whatever you do, just don't lose heart. Keep pushing back the dark" and that is EXACTLY what I intend to do! I WILL NOT lose heart!! 

 Please pray as we go through our IUI experience tomorrow, 10/3/13. I pray that this is the treatment that will get us our baby (or babies- since our risk for multiples is higher with treatment)!! 

The IVF post may not be necessary, so, in that case, PRAY, PRAY, PRAY!

Min-Stim Round 1- FAIL

Since my last post we have tried and were unsuccessful at our first round of what the Fertility Clinic calls "Min Stim" which means minimum stimulation.This treatment involves the use of 100mg of Clomid from days 3-7 of my cycle followed by (what is priced like gold $$$$) 3 (150 unit) shots of  Menopur [in my tummy] from days 7-9 of my cycle. Then, on cycle day 12, I get what's referred to as a baseline ultrasound. This is the "not so pleasant" kind of ultrasound, if you know what I mean. During the ultrasound, they check the measurement of the lining of my uterus, check for cysts on my ovaries that may have formed and finally, they count and measure the follicles in my ovaries. (If you're not sure what a follicle is, it's the sac around what becomes the egg once I ovulate). Typically, there are 2-3 more ultrasounds to monitor the growth of the follicles after they've been "stimulated" by the Clomid and the Menopur. Once my follicles reach the measurement of around 15-20mm, they're considered "ready" for my final shot. Ovidrel. The final shot is the one that forces my body to ovulate. 

After taking the Ovidrel shot, my body is supposed to then respond via ovulation within 36-48 hours. During that window between 36 & 48 hours is "go time"  for at least every day for a few days. After that, the waiting game begins. Since the Ovidrel shot is made of hormones to cause the body to ovulate, it will cause pregnancy tests to test positive. In this case, I had to wait at least 2.5 weeks until I could take a test. 

We waited the recommended 2 weeks and took a test. NEGATIVE. Man! I was so sure that this would work!! I know that God has this process in his hands and that at the right time, our treatment will work but it has been SO HARD! I am so thankful that we have such amazing and supportive friends and family through this process.

Casting Anxiety

"Humble yourselves, therefore, under the mighty hand of God so that at the proper time he may exalt you, casting all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you." 1 Peter 5:6-7 

So, after 3 unsuccessful treatments of Clomid, we are on our way back to the Fertility Clinic.  Apparently, I had a "negative response" to the drug meaning my results each month worsened. Due to my low AMH level (aka- low egg count), the doctor wants to find a more aggressive alternative. 

I am excited and nervous about going back to the Fertility Clinic. Why? I don't really know why. I think it's the "more aggressive alternatives" that have intimidated me. I am unsure of the effect that they'll have and how "aggressive" we'll have to be with treatment. I am excited because this alternative could be what finally gets us pregnant! 

I am trying so hard to follow Gods word and casting my anxieties on him; however, its such a challenge to me sometimes not to just break down in tears of anxiety. I am a BALL OF ANXIETY...it's who I am.  I know that at the proper time, God will bless us with a child (or 2 or 3 knowing the % of increase chances with these aggressive alternatives! ;))

We shall wait one more week before our visit at the Fertility Clinic. Hopefully, they'll break open their jar of "magic" in combination with God's blessing and get us pregnant.  In the mean time, I ask that you PRAY! Please, PRAY, PRAY, PRAY. 

I am confident in the work that God does and the miracles that he allows these fertility doctors to make. I lift my heart to you, God. I am yours! 

A Tough Week...

This has been a tough week as I approach what would have been my "due date" (Saturday, March 30th). I didn't think that it was bothering me until this past Monday while I was driving to my small group. For some reason, I just wanted to SCREAM! So, I asked for prayer for my frustration as we went through this fertility treatment. When I got home, I started BAWLING. I told BR that it hit me that this week was THE WEEK. I finally came to peace once again with the situation and began to pray that soon we would have our prayers answered.

I was lifted up this week by 2 particular quotes by Joel Osteen. 

"Don’t be intimidated and give up when God's promises don’t look like they will happen. Pray with boldness & know that nothing is too difficult for God."

And on Tuesday, when my period started and I realized that round 1 of Clomid didn't work. [Well, it worked in the fact that I actually ovulated, but....we didn't get pregnant.] SO... The next quote helped in this situation.

"Have the attitude, “God, this is where You have me right now. I may not like it. I may not understand, but I’m going to keep doing my best, knowing that You are going to use this to my advantage.”

Today is better. I have started my 2nd round of Clomid and am praying hard and fast that this round will work.  I am confident in how the medication works and will be more aware of the particular time-line in which everything should fall. I am following the same protocol as last month (see previous post about timing). I will have to say that BR will definitely enjoy this round as we will be more intent in our mission. :) Here's to CLOMID ROUND 2! READY, SET, GO!!

 Give all your worries and cares to God, for He cares about you.
~ 1 Peter 5:7, NLT