Lately, I have had a really hard time dealing with the loss of my first pregnancy. I am not sure why I am having such a hard time but I do believe it's me actually missing what it might be like if I still were pregnant. I want so bad to experience the excitement and growth of my own child inside of me. That was taken away. I know that whatever God brings to us, he brings us through it; however, I just don't understand, yet, why.
I have been participating in a small group with the church that Brian and I just decided to become members of. We love this church (New Horizon Church: www.newhorizonchurch.tv) and have become closer to God and each other. The small group consists of about 7-8 women from the church (ranging from ages 22-35). Becoming a part of this group of women has been quite therapeutic for me and has helped me learn to cope a lot better. I do, however, have a long way to go in my journey of accepting this loss. I thank God that I have found this group of women to help me pray for the things I cannot understand.
Our pastor, Dave Bowman does a great job in explaining how we, as Christians, ask why and wonder why God would put us through such difficult situations:
That question goes back thousands of years. Job asked it. David asked it. If you've ever experienced tragedy or loss, you've probably asked it too. Why did this happen? Why did God allow it? Why didn't he do something?
The only honest answer is - I don't know.
Here's
what I do know for sure: 1) Jesus said pain and suffering would come.
He said in John 16:33 "I have told you these things so that in me you may have peace. You
will have suffering in this world, but be courageous! I have conquered
the world." He didn't
say it might happen. He said it would.
2) God never promises we
will understand everything. 1 Corinthians 13:12 says, "Now we see things
imperfectly, like puzzling reflections in a mirror...all I know now is
partial and incomplete..."
So when we ask the "why" question
about events like this we won't get the full answer in this life. But
even though we can't completely understand suffering, we can understand
some things.
Jesus says I can have peace. Why? Because he has conquered this world. Suffering will not have the last word. Evil will not
have the last word. Death will not have the last word. He has the last word.
If you think you will escape this life without it, you
are wrong. We will all experience pain, suffering or loss.
The Bible says in First John 5:13 "These things I've
written to you who believe in the name of the Son of God in order that you may KNOW that you have eternal life."
I am trying so hard to understand and be confident in knowing why we have to go through such a difficult situation. It's hard not to hold my anger and frustration in until I want to burst. I admit that, out of my own frustration and brokenheartedness, I have lashed out on my best friend and husband, Brian for no reason sometimes. I try to remember that my loss is also his loss and that he has his own way of coping during such a difficult time.
I have to stand back and just pray that God will carry us through this situation and that, together, we will accept and move past such a difficult and painful time in our life. This is the hardest thing I have ever had to deal with. I just need to find the strength to pull through.
