Struggling

Lately, I have had a really hard time dealing with the loss of my first pregnancy.  I am not sure why I am having such a hard time but I do believe it's me actually missing what it might be like if I still were pregnant. I want so bad to experience the excitement and growth of my own child inside of me. That was taken away. I know that whatever God brings to us, he brings us through it; however, I just don't understand, yet, why. 
I have been participating in a small group with the church that Brian and I just decided to become members of. We love this church (New Horizon Church: www.newhorizonchurch.tv) and have become closer to God and each other.  The small group consists of about 7-8 women from the church (ranging from ages 22-35). Becoming a part of this group of women has been quite therapeutic for me and has helped me learn to cope a lot better. I do, however, have a long way to go in my journey of accepting this loss. I thank God that I have found this group of women to help me pray for the things I cannot understand.

Our pastor, Dave Bowman does a great job in explaining how we, as Christians, ask why and wonder why God would put us through such difficult situations: 

That question goes back thousands of years. Job asked it. David asked it. If you've ever experienced tragedy or loss, you've probably asked it too. Why did this happen? Why did God allow it? Why didn't he do something?

The only honest answer is - I don't know.

Here's what I do know for sure: 1) Jesus said pain and suffering would come. He said in John 16:33 "I have told you these things so that in me you may have peace. You will have suffering in this world, but be courageous! I have conquered the world."  He didn't say it might happen. He said it would.

2) God never promises we will understand everything. 1 Corinthians 13:12 says, "Now we see things imperfectly, like puzzling reflections in a mirror...all I know now is partial and incomplete..."

So when we ask the "why" question about events like this we won't get the full answer in this life. But even though we can't completely understand suffering, we can understand some things.

 Jesus says I can have peace. Why? Because he has conquered this world. Suffering will not have the last word. Evil will not have the last word. Death will not have the last word. He has the last word.

If you think you will escape this life without it, you are wrong. We will all experience pain, suffering or loss.
The Bible says in First John 5:13 "These things I've written to you who believe in the name of the Son of God in order that you may KNOW that you have eternal life."

I am trying so hard to understand and be confident in knowing why we have to go through such a difficult situation. It's hard not to hold my anger and frustration in until I want to burst. I admit that, out of my own frustration and brokenheartedness, I have lashed out on my best friend and husband, Brian for no reason sometimes. I try to remember that my loss is also his loss and that he has his own way of coping during such a difficult time. 

I have to stand back and just pray that God will carry us through this situation and that, together, we will accept and move past such a difficult and painful time in our life. This is the hardest thing I have ever had to deal with. I just need to find the strength to pull through.

Hope Anchors The Soul

A tattoo of hope...it represents the verse written at the top of the picture and the hope and faith that I have in God. He always has a plan ❤

If at First You Don't Succeed...

...Pick yourself up and try again! I never started my period after the Provera so, after waiting 10 days after I finished the round of Provera, I was told I needed to test. On July 28th, I took a pregnancy test and low & behold it was POSITIVE! :) We were ecstatic! The pregnancy was confirmed on August 1st by the dr's office, so we decided to share the exciting news with our parents.  They were THRILLED! 

A couple of weeks passed and we couldn't contain ourselves. We decided to tell our siblings and close friends. I was around 7 weeks so I felt like it might be okay. All of our friends were so excited as they knew that we've been trying for quite a while without success. BR and I began to think of what we might do to our 3rd bedroom to turn it into the nursery, what we might name the baby and plan out how we would take belly pictures when we got to that point. We were so overwhelmed with happiness. 

On Saturday, August 25th (my 9th week), I was attending a bridal shower for a good friend when I discovered my WORST nightmare.  I went to the restroom to find that I had started to bleed. OH NO, God, PLEASE, NO!  Yep, it was blood. I left the bridal shower in a panic and drove straight to the emergency room after talking to one of my best friends, Nicole about what I should do.  I called BR and told him that he needed to come and that something wasn't right. 

Thankfully, the ER that I was able to make it to was new and there was NO wait. I don't know what my nerves would have done if I had to wait to see a DR. While in the emergency room, I went through a series of tests, peed in a cup, gave blood, had my cervix checked, had an ultrasound. 

The ER doctor (with absolutely NO bedside manner) came into the room and said, "Well, it looks like you're having a miscarriage. There's nothing that we can do for you. You'll have to wait and see what your body does and call your doctor as soon as possible."  GEE THANKS, DUDE. REALLY?! That was THE WORST thing that I have ever had to go through! 

Later that week, I went to my Dr's office and was treated with the utmost respect and fragility. They explained to us that there was nothing that we could have done to cause the miscarriage or to prevent it; it was a chromosomal issue. While performing the ultrasound, they didn't ever find what may have been the baby inside of the sac.  Apparently, things stopped happening around my 5th week. BR likes to call it a "False Start" to keep within his humorous spirit when I am upset.  He always seems to keep me smiling even through the worst times.

Luckily (well, unluckily that I miscarried), I was able to miscarry naturally without having to have the D&C. There were the worst pains I have ever had to endure both physically and emotionally.  I cried for 5 days and decided that it was God's way of making sure that we get a healthy baby. 

This journey has not been easy at all but together, with God, Brian and I will not stop trying. We will dust ourselves off and start back at square 1. The good news is, we know we can get pregnant; we just have to get to the point of being able to successfully carry.

I have learned that even though we told everyone as early as we did and had to then turn around and tell them that we miscarried, I wouldn't do it any differently. Through this, we have been shown the most support from our family and friends. The support goes beyond just a pat on the back, the prayers are tremendous. Brian and I are so lucky to have such wonderful friends to help us get through such a hard time. 

I know that we'll be able to conceive again- it's just a matter of when God is ready for it to happen. I have not lost my faith and will continue to pray for folks like myself who have tried so hard for the gift of a child and have not yet succeeded. 

"We have this hope as an anchor for the soul, firm and secure..." (Hebrews 6:19)

"Don't worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. Then you will experience God's peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus." (Philippians 4:6-7)

Tick, tock...

Today is the 6th day of being off of Provera. I was curious as to how long the time-span between Provera ending and my period beginning...so, I did some research.  


Since I didn't find any clear answers with my research as to 'technically' how long to wait before expecting the monthly visitor, I finally emailed the professional.  The Dr. said that it should be up to 10 days after completing the medication to start. 


Tick, tock...I will have to "suffer" 4 more days of on and off cramping to see.


If not, I will have to take a urine pregnancy test (and hope for the best) , or contact the Dr's office, or both! *sigh* 

Waiting, Cramping & Counting...

The family vacation has proved to be much easier than anticipated! It helps that I LOVE salads and vegetables. Also, the amazing steamed shrimp has been a very easy thing to eat. :)

Yesterday was the 10th and final day of Provera. You know, the pill that builds the up the lining of the uteran wall and makes the body have a period. [oh, joy] Usually, I have some pain during that time but with the addition of Provera, I'm already feelin some pretty intense cramping. I guess I'll have to see how bad it's gonna be once I start! :-/

Speaking of starting (like I mentioned before) we will begin THE counting! I will wait for day 3 [thru 7] to begin Clomid. After that, the crucial days of 12,14,16 & 18 for fertilization! ;)

Carb-Withdraws

Today is the first day of 1500mg of metformin/day. Since I have started taking it- I have had to be more or less low-carb. I have done so well (since the cupcake incident)... 


I just have to say that next week's beach vacation is going to be TOUGH (no hush puppies with my seafood or french toast for breakfast or pasta weesie at Carrabas for dinner!! AAAHHHHH!) 


I, know, I need to keep reminding myself that the end result is totally worth it! :) 


Thanks for letting me vent! 

Here We GO!

Today is cycle day 17! What does that mean? It means that TODAY I start taking the Provera to make me start my period. I will take this for 10 days [at the same time every day]. Once I start my period, I will begin my first round of Clomid on days 3-7....and as I have said before in the Game Plan post, we will wait for days 12, 14, 16 & 18.

Also, today, I started to realize that this is where it's getting real...If God's intentions are for this month, we could be preggo by August!! I hope and pray that this goes well and the first round works!  If not, it'll be fine, we will continue our journey of TTC! :)


Happy Monday, folks! 


P.S. I will try and keep up with my posts...I don't want to have to pay catch-up like I did last Friday. 5 posts in one day is CRAY! ;)

Cupcakes are STUPID.

My staying strong lasted for the first week. For the 4th of July, I decided to indulge on a brownie and a gluten-free beverage. All was good! I felt great! 


Yesterday, however, a co-worker brought in some left over treats from the holiday; so,  I indulged in a [delicious] chocolate cupcake with chocolate icing. STUPID cupcake.


I learned my lesson well. My stomach was KILLING me afterward.


I now know that the STUPID CUPCAKE has become my DETERRENT from sugar.

Got 2 B Suga-free!

So, the Doc specifically explained to me that while taking Metformin that I cannot have any sugar--avoid simple sugars.

I have done so well by only eating low-carb options and lots of chicken,tuna and vegetables. 

When I crave something sweet, I eat frozen grapes.

I'VE. GOT. TO. STAY. STRONG!

The Game Plan

Ah, yes, finally, a GAME PLAN! 


We meet with the Dr. the following Thursday [June 28th] to map out what we will be doing for our first round of treatment! 


I have to admit that this was a very scary thought--I wasn't sure what to expect with what very little knowledge of what my test results meant. I knew that I had a very low ovarian pool (egg count) and that my insulin was "a little high" but the rest were...normal??


Since it was decided that we're unsure of our window of time, there's no hesitation. We jump right into our first treatment. Doc says to take notes....so here goes.


I will begin Glucophage aka...Metformin as soon as possible. After the first week of 1x per day with a meal, I double my dose on the second week to 2x/day with a meal, finally the third week and thereafter 3x/day [if my body can handle it],  2x with a meal and the 3rd pill with another meal.
Then- on the 17th day of my cycle (July 9th) I will begin taking Provera for 10 days (until July 18th). Then...I should have a period. After that starts, on days 3-7, I begin taking Clomid [50mg] to make me ovulate [because I currently do not].  Finally, on days 12, 14, 16 and 18- we "do it" and hope to become preggers[!].


IF this first treatment does not work, we'll do the same thing, the next month with a double dose [100mg] of Clomid. If THAT doesn't work--we move to injections. 


Let's just say that I PRAY that one of the first 2 treatments work....I despise the thought of giving myself injections :(

Tests, tests, tests

Finally- day 3 of my cycle. Thankfully, day 3 landed on the Monday before our follow-up appointment [scheduled for Thursday of the same week] Let the blood tests begin!


I contacted the Dr. to make him aware of my "blood giving" and to keep his eye out for the report so that he could post the results before Thursday.


I anxiously await the results to be posted [on my online portal].


Finally, the results are posted, the next day, with an explanation from the Dr. All of the tests come back "Normal." hmm....now what??

Our First Meeting with the Fertility Specialist

*June 14th*
Meeting with the Fertility Specialist was very weird at first. We went in not knowing what to expect, having lots of questions and only partial answers to some.


I had to do the usual "intake" gamut such as weight, temperature, blood pressure....before we were taken to a room with a table and 4 chairs.  The table had some informational items on it and a plastic model of "female parts" (this will come into play later...).


The Dr. comes in and, surprisingly, seems to be a really nice laid-back kind of guy! (I was thinking more along the lines of a less friendly, more socially awkward kind of person.)


We have a conversation regarding all of my test results, how the numbers work and what they all mean. The main concern, as well as what actually "sent" me to a fertility specialist in the first place was my AMH level.  After explaining what the AMH level meant, the Dr. basically said that he wasn't sure how much time I had. THAT was THE MOST SCARY SENTENCE, EVER. My heart sunk. Yes, I am 28, extremely young in child-bearing years, per-se; however, while only looking at my AMH level, one would think that I was in my mid-thirties! 


I had to have more tests run after the Dr. noticed that I was insulin resistant. Also, to better lay out a plan of action, he had to test my liver, kidneys, and a few other type of tests before deciding how to go about our "treatment plan."  Luckily, I had already been through most of the testing earlier in the year. 


(This is where the female model comes into play) ...While the Dr. was looking through my medical record [with his back turned] trying to figure out what tests I needed, my HUSBAND, decided to PLAY with this model of lady parts!! Now, granted, I was already about to cry after learning that my window of time was very small--so, he did well to make me laugh and keep the mood light (as always). He was pretending to be Dr. Spock from Star Treck using his tricorder to scan the earth...LOL. I love him. 


Anyway, back to figuring out that a lot of the tests that were needed had already been done (thyroid profile,  progesterone, insulin, and glucose) and the tests that I needed (with the exception of one or two--creatine, rubella, AST, ALT, TSH and Prolactin), thankfully, could be coded under "weight gain" research. This was a GREAT thing because I am not eligible for fertility services with my insurance for another year! I have to say, it's never been the case that I have been so happy to have gained 30 lbs [in a year] and not being able to lose it [even with extensive diet and exercise]!! I was to wait until the 3rd day of my cycle before I could get this blood taken.  Our next appointment will be laying out our game plan.

"So, when are y'all going to have kids?"

It's inevitable. Whenever there's a discussion of new babies or marriage or anniversaries, there's always that question of "so, when are y'all going to have kids?"  When we were first married, we always happily answered "one day!" now it seems that I am to the point of "Whenever God decides!"  It's exactly that. Whenever GOD decides.


Our journey began in late 2010 when we decided that we would start trying. We were told that Fall that for sure we would be pregnant by December. When December came, no baby.  Brian and I continued to keep trying throughout 2011 with diet, exercise, taking my temperature, using ovulation tests or both. Still. No. Luck!


In February of this year, I decided to take action. I went to the DR to get some answers. I had weight gain that I could not get rid of, no matter how much exercise, I was beginning to get depressed and I was frustrated.  Brian was tested; no problems there so, I was finally sent to be tested. My thyroid, NORMAL, my other tests, NORMAL. My frustration grew thicker. What in the world is going wrong?!


Finally, I decided to switch DR offices. [~May 23rd] I needed more answers. I needed someone to tell me what was wrong and why we weren't conceiving. We met with the new DR and she spoke to us about infertility and the tests that needed to be done. She took some blood tests, one for Progesterone Levels and the other to measure my AMH (Anti-Mullerian Hormone) Levels Once the tests were run, she noticed that I had an extremely low AMH level [0.25 ng/ml] and immediately referred us to Duke Fertility Center. FINALLY. Let's get the ball rolling!!